Tag Archive: feelings

You would think that by me writing this, that I am the one confessing to screwing up a friendship that had lasted 15 years, when in fact, I am the one who severed the friendship after once again being slapped in the face by her for the last time. My last few blogs have been about being broken hearted and giving a life lesson about listening to your gut feeling. This blog goes along with those.

It started a few days ago. I showed her my blog about being broken hearted and she kind of lashed out at me and a bit upset about it and not in the ‘oh i am sorry’ type of way, more in the ‘wtf’ kind of way. She started to defend herself with some of the things I had said in the blog (ex: part where I said her mom probably won’t like him since she doesn’t like anyone she dates), she came back and mentioned how her mom actually likes him. So yeah, she was defensive. She of course, can’t see that it was written by someone who’s heart she had broken. She also goes on to claim it wasn’t her fault. Once again, very defensive. While yes, I did know about her current boyfriend and that she started to see him, she didn’t exactly let me down easily or even at all, she just stopped everything all together. In fact, she was still willing to do things with me (and I am more talking the sexual things than just hanging out) all while dating her current boyfriend. I am the one who said I wasn’t going to let her screw up things with her boyfriend. The reason was actually more for me because I knew it would hurt me more by doing things with her in that manner. For instance, we had a spanking chart. I would get a star for something I did (won’t go into details). Well, Each star represented 2 spanks. I got up to 18 spanks by the time her and her current boyfriend started to date. I told her that I would not be using those while she is dating him, it would be cheating because he believed in monogamy. I might be into Polyamory but I do not condone cheating. Polyamory is about trust, her and him were not entering a poly relationship. Yet, I am the one who is the bad person?

The next day, I get a text from her informing me that I was on a temporary block on Facebook “i do not want to continue to break your heart and make you sad”. When I read this, I thought maybe she was actually taking fault in it. However, issue is, I had already unfollowed her to I didn’t see any of her posts, but could continue to talk. When I told her this, she said “its better this way”. This is what I was thinking at that exact moment *so let me get this straight, you break my heart and when I want to heal myself in my own way, you rather control how I heal it? FUCK YOU!* When I told her my plan and said she should unblock me, she said she would think about it. My last text, which will probably be the last text I send to her was “whatever”.

So, while I am choosing not to be friends with her anymore, she in the end truly ended it by needed to control me, my heart and the situation. I am not someone to be controlled like that. My feeling and emotions are mine to control, not someone else’s. It will be a while before I heal from this… but I know I will and I know I will be a better person in the end.


Broken Heart

How do you tell someone that they broke your heart? Especially when they are your best friend?

I find myself in such a situation currently. Even though me and this person were just dating and not in an actual relationship (mostly because they were new to polyamory and wasn’t sure that they could share me with others), they knew how I felt about them, which was loved them deeply. I am a full believer that you can deeply love more than one person at a time. I do that with my boyfriend and 2 girlfriends. This was/is a friend that I have wanted for 15 years. We went on a few dates, did a lot of sexual things (not actual sex but other things)… but they needed to be the primary. Enter the new partner. Someone else caught their eye and I started to be shunned away, at the same time, both of my primaries had asked me to spend a little more time with them, so I backed off a tad as well. Well, they both got closer and I was left out.

When this happened, I chose to change things about myself (see last blog) and sort of get hell over my change. While they were part of the reason for the change, as I do in fact have a hard time seeing Facebook posts about each other, it wasn’t the only reason. However, they think because no one else talks to her and such, I am not a bad person who probably just used them. Yet, they can’t truly tell or actually understand that not only does the world revolve around them, that people do want to change and sometimes disconnection from people is the best thing to do.

Though it will be interesting to see how long it lasts with their controlling mother and brother and the fact that the new partner lives 2 and a half miles away. *sorry, this is my broken heart talking*

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