Yesterday, the world lost a great comedian and from what people are saying a all around warm hearted individual, Robin Williams. Unlike a lot of celebrity deaths that I have seen or heard about of the span of my 36 years of existence, this one hit a bit home. You see, Robin Williams took his own life by what seems to be the way of hanging and that did not sit well in me. When I was younger, in my teens to be exact, I had tried to hang myself. Being Transgender for most of your life, knowing you are not what you feel you should be, takes a toll on a young mind. Around the age of 16, I was home alone, very depressed, I was dressed in a bra, panties and pantyhose and looked in a mirror. What did I see? A person who would never be accepted by anyone. That is what I thought at the time. Transgender was not exactly a term many people used back in the 90’s. At the point in my life, I had not yet told anyone I was Transgender (or in the 90’s I would have used the term cross dresser as the term Transgender was not really known or said as much back then). My mother knew I dressed up but she just thought it was a phase and it would pass. I just could not handle it anymore. I decided that I should just end it all, so I didn’t have to suffer anymore. It was late in the evening and my mother worked the graveyard shift, so there was no one home to stop me. So, I got some rope that I used for bondage, tied a noose and proceeded to hang it from a section of my apartment between the kitchen and living room. Once it was all set up, got up on a chair, tucked my ‘clit’ between my legs since I wanted to go out looking more as a female than male, put the noose around me and then tied my hands behind my back. There was no suicide note and I didn’t hesitate to push the chair out from under me.

Well, as you can tell from this blog, it didn’t work. I apparently did not tighten the rope enough to the section of the apartment as it came down. I woke up about 45 minutes later, to a pool of blood as the back of my head hit the stove. My hands were still bound, so I knew I didn’t try to free myself but do not remember much after I pushed the chair out from under me as I blacked out instantly. I eventually called my mother at work and asked her to come home and told her what happened and we went to the ER and I eventually was checked into a mental facility. I got help, though sill didn’t tell anyone about the cross dressing or anything of the sorts but it did help in the long run.

For a very long time after this event, I would cringe at any scene that involved a hanging in movies or television. It got better over time, though still to this day, it still somewhat haunts me, like yesterday, when learning on how Robin Williams died. I am in a better place now though. I am out as both Bisexual (I am actually pansexual but never have been fond of the term) and Transgender. I am more comfortable with myself, which is always a good thing.

In closing, to anyone that is reading this, I do want to say, suicide is not the answer. You might think that you are alone in the world but I can bet that there is at least a dozen if not more people who are going or have gone through the same thing as you might be going through now. There are many resources out there to help you, one being the National Suicide Hotline aka The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255). There are usually also some local places that you can go and talk to someone, even without insurance. This is where Google becomes your friend and you can just Google your town or county for mental health councilors.

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